I still to this day struggle with an eating disorder which is classified under self-destructive behaviors as well. I destroyed my body for many years with self-destructive behaviors like cutting. My entire life I have felt as if I have hated myself, every inch of me and my physical appearance. Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self. Then eventually, I will fear they will leave me, in turn making me fear them instead of love them. I will test them, push them to their limits, idolize them and make them my favorite person. Instead of allowing someone to leave with no explanation, I will give them a reason. In reality, I am the one who creates the instability. I have expressed that time and time again. A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family or friends, often swinging from extreme closeness and love to extreme dislike or anger. Sometimes I will sabotage what I have with the people closest to me, so they will leave me now instead of dragging it out and putting me through agony and paranoia. I irrationalize the fact that the people currently closest to me are going to get tired of all my problems, and are going to leave me just like everyone else has. So it probably isn’t related to my BPD, I just think it is. Although, those people have never actually given me a reason. Looking back, that’s likely why everyone who has left so far has left up until this point. I don’t know what for, but probably something related to my BPD. I’m paranoid that the people who are still around are going to leave me too.
I have been abandoned by the people I thought never would have left in the first place. Please for the love of God, don’t leave me. Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. My reality of living with borderline personality disorder is this: 1. Since then, I have learned that living with and being aware of borderline personality disorder is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I myself didn’t believe the psychiatrist until I looked up all the symptoms and found that I experienced all but one. Related: What Loneliness Is Like When You Have Borderline Personality Disorder But what sets BPD apart is the intensity of each of those symptoms, and the level of intensity people who have it experience. Now, you’re all probably thinking you have several if not all of those. Symptoms of BPD include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity and impaired social relationships. There are more than four million cases per year, making it fairly uncommon, but more common than you would probably expect. Unlike bipolar disorder, depression or anxiety, which are characterized as mood disorders, borderline personality disorder is characterized as a behavioral disorder, and is better explained as emotional dysregulation disorder. This is exactly why I want to talk about it today and help educate those of you who are unfamiliar or confused by the term. No, it is not the same as either of those illnesses. When I tell people I have BPD, the first responses I usually get are either a look of confusion, asking if that’s the same thing as multiple personality disorder, or if I meant to say bipolar disorder.
Related: What My Psychiatrist Doesn't Realize About My Smile Related: Missing the 'Highs and Lows' of My Life Before Mental Health Recovery He was actually quite mean about it and said that he didn’t believe I would make any progress if I didn’t do it. I begged him to please not make me do group therapy. Anyone who knows me knows I do not do well in settings like that, because I know absolutely no one and am not comfortable sharing things with people I’m not familiar with. He continued on to say that DBT is typically done in group settings and you attend at least one or two sessions a week, sometimes as much as three. Now I had no idea what borderline personality disorder even was, let alone what dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT) was. He finished and said, “Well, I feel very strongly that you suffer from borderline personality disorder and I highly suggest and recommend that your outpatient program consist of dialectal behavioral therapy.”
When the psychiatrist asked me questions, I didn’t realize he was actually performing an assessment. I brushed them off as something that was just normal for me and part of my personality. For many years, I suspected there was something different about myself and my actions and behaviors. I was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in May of 2017 following an admission to the psychiatric hospital. A watercolor illustration of a woman with big hair
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